[ With the address sent to him, it didn't take long for him to find his way to the bar; he'd even taken the time to change into something a little more somber for the occasion. None of that usual dramatic fashion that he was so proud of, not even his hat made an appearance as he stepped through the bar door with his hands tucked into his pockets.
It felt stupid, being this affected by the departure of another friend; even if he knew the reason for that dull ache in the back of his chest. He thought that he might wave to Abbacchio once he spotted him, instead merely offering a nod in his direction before taking a seat beside him.
Awkward silence, Mista filling it with a question that he wasn't sure he wanted a real answer to. ]
[There's no better way to describe how Abbacchio looks right now other than he's outright sulking. It's not just the departure that hurts, but knowing what Narancia is going back to. That he didn't even try to prepare him, because he thought somehow not telling Narancia about his own death would spare him that worry and concern. Instead, he's just going to go die. Just like Bucciarati before him.
Abbacchio's already working on a bottle of wine, refilling his glass.]
[ He fell silent, staring down at the counter as he tried to reel in a fresh wave of feelings. They were thinking about the same thing, but the question was whether either one of them was actually going to say it.
He didn't really want to talk about it, but he probably needed to. It wasn't as if he'd ever really opened up about it in the first place, the way it had been a sickening punch to the gut and how much his heart had ached even in the midst of it all. ]
...I should have told him.
[ It was meant to be a simple statement, but his voice wavered in a telltale way that said he was doing his fucking best to hold back that sting of tears.
Yeah. I should have, too. But I thought it was better to just let him be happy we were together again.
[Instead, he fucked up. He always fucks up. That's what it is. And it's going to be a slippery spiral of recognizing he's just not a man who's capable of doing the right thing when it really counts.
He goes quiet, having a long drink from his glass.]
[ His glass full, he didn't hesitate to take a rather large and indelicate drink from it. The goal was to numb it all, not to forget it but to at least make it tolerable. ]
He did, he really did.
[ God, what a mess, another deep pull from the drink in his hand before setting the now empty glass down. Pacing himself? Who cared about that right now, it wasn't necessary. ]
You know, I was happy that we were all back together again too and now...
[ There was something of a frustrated snort as he shoved the glass back in Abbacchio's direction. ]
...now I feel like it's all the same shit, not knowing if one of us is just going to, you know.
[ He didn't like it, he didn't like the idea that he might lose Abbacchio again too. Keep it together, Mista, keep it together. ]
I should have tried harder, I should have gotten a job like I was supposed to so that we could've gotten the house we all talked about when we first got here. Maybe if I'd tried harder...this wouldn't be happening again...
[ It didn't matter that Abbacchio hadn't been here when they'd talked about getting a house. He'd been included in there somewhere, the idea that if the others could come back so could he.
He was supposed to help protect them all and he'd failed more than anyone else; that sting in his eyes nagging at him even more. ]
[Selfishly, he wants to mourn everything. He hates this, hates not knowing when he'll go, or maybe Avdol. That isn't permanent either, which is agonizing in all of the worst ways. He's already known it, but now it's just a slap in the face, solidifying it, something that's impossible to ignore.
He finishes his glass, then refills it, because he's going to need a fucking lot of wine tonight.]
First time I heard about this house.
[There's a pause as he considers. Okay, no, he can't spare a moment for himself here. Mista needs him.]
The rest of us got here a month before you did, we were all adjusting so I don't think it ever came up again. We were gonna get a house for us all to share, you know? So we could keep an eye on each other...
[ He was in the middle of refilling his own glass when those final words hit his ears, his hand trembling slightly before he set the bottle down. No matter what anyone said, he knew better; he'd let him get too close... ]
I think it was my fault, I hesitated...I should have been paying more attention but I was worried about the bullets on the ground. There were f-four of them and I was trying to get Trish to drop another one and then he was just...
[ He could feel his throat tensing as he spoke, his chest tightening as he shakily took up his glass and downed the contents. What he wanted was something stronger, but he would take what he could get. Did he really deserve anything good after everything that had happened? After he'd failed?
He didn't even care that he couldn't hold back the tears any longer, reaching for the bottle again and trying to pour himself yet another drink. He hadn't realised it, that he was carrying this around with him and somehow that made it hurt more. ]
[There's no hesitation when he's going to take Mista's hand. Maybe they both need a bit of comfort, but mainly he wants to be as strong as he can in this moment for his friend. Sure, he'll crumble later, but that's future Abbacchio's problem.]
It wasn't your fucking fault. It's hard to beat a guy that jumps ahead in time, even by a few seconds, and I know that four thing for you is tough to beat.
You didn't kill him. The Boss did. And you know Narancia wouldn't blame you for even a second. Got it?
[ Abbacchio taking his hand came as something of a surprise, Mista first just glancing in his direction before looking at him full on. He couldn't even pretend like he wasn't crying, like he was severely emotionally compromised. ]
I was supposed to be watching, making sure that no one got close! How the fuck is that not my fault?! It doesn't matter whether he could jump around in time or not, I fucked up. Me!
[ His free hand came up to hit against his own chest with a hollow thump, Mista now a full on emotional mess. He was making a scene and he didn't really care. ]
...and we'll never know if he'd blame me or anyone else because I was too much of a fucking coward to tell him what happened. I understood why when we first got here, but after Bucciarati...
[ He stopped himself there for a moment, sucking in a breath before letting out something of a bitter laugh and squeezing Abbacchio's hand. ]
...I should have thought it was a possibility, I should have told him what he might be going back to.
[He doesn't sound angry or annoyed when he says it. Despite the harsh words, his voice is a fraction softer than usual, and he doesn't pull his hand away.]
Look, I don't know all of the circumstances obviously. [since he was a little dead at the time] But you know Narancia. He wouldn't blame you.
You didn't kill him or Bucciarati. It fucking sucks, but it isn't your fault.
[ Despite the fact that his mind was still trying to convince him otherwise, even Mista couldn't really argue with that logic. Or maybe it was that he didn't want to. He was angry and he felt like a stupid baby for crying like this in front of Abbacchio, but who else could he really talk to anyway? Who else would understand? Would anyone?
Spoilers, Mista, lots of people would understand. That wasn't important, though, not as important as pulling his hand away from the other man and pulling him into a rather tear-soaked embrace. ]
...please don't leave me here by myself, I think you're the only one I have left.
[ There was a heavy pause, no concern about whether this hug was too long or whether it was appropriate. There was something else eating away at the back of his mind. Even as he thought about it he worried his lower lip between his teeth. ]
I don't think Giorno is ever coming out of that crystal, I know it probably doesn't matter to you but it matters to me.
[For a second, Abbacchio is still at the way Mista just embraces him. Not that he can blame him. Slowly, he reaches out and just kind of crushes Mista against himself, his fingers curling against the back of his sweater.]
You're gonna wish you could get rid of me.
[But it's promise. If he has a choice, he's staying for as long as he can. Where the fuck else is he gonna go?]
It matters. [He doesn't explain himself, but it does matter.] I thought about that too, trust me.
Like hell I'm gonna wish something like that, not ever.
[ There was absolutely no containing himself after that, arms tightening around him even more as he finally let out a sob that he'd been holding back. ]
And I swear, I'm not gonna...
[ Oh god, how awful. Was he hiccuping? ]
...I'm not gonna go anywhere, I...fuck, what am I supposed to do now?
[ He'd been trying to live something of a normal life here, something that he hadn't really gotten to do back up but it was getting really damn difficult to even pretend that things were fine and that he was getting by. ]
[It breaks his heart listening to Mista like this. He places the flat of his hand to Mista's back, not at all revolted by his crying. Honestly, it's understandable considering all of the shit they've been through and the losses they've had to deal with.]
I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure that shit out for myself.
But we're gonna manage and figure it out. And you got me. Okay?
[ He wasn't ready to let go, even if he did feel like he needed to wipe at his face like a sleepy child. Instead, he just rested there with his arms around Abbacchio and his chin propped on his shoulder. ]
If you figure it out first, don't forget to let me know, yeah?
[ He still felt empty on the inside, he thought of the word 'hollow' but that just made him think of Narancia again and what Giorno had said. It was a thought that was pushed to the back of his mind, shifting to rest his forehead on his shoulder as his grip loosened. ]
It's okay if I stay like this for a little, right?
[ Even if he was still pretty comfortable with his chin resting on the other man's shoulder, he nodded just a little and let out a thoughtful hum. ]
Yeah, lots of 'em...
[ He knew that right now the chroma was boosting his mood, that things would be fine for the moment but what was it going to be like once he got home? Once he was alone again? That wasn't something he needed to think about right now. ]
...Want me to stay over for a bit? [Because he definitely gets the whole being alone with your shitty thoughts with several bottles of alcohol scenario.] At least til you're sick of me or you pass out or something.
[ He finally pulled back, taking in a deep breath as he prepared himself to look Abbacchio in the face again. He will not cry, he will not be overcome by another wave of emotion. ]
I'll probably pass out before I get sick of you, though, I just don't really wanna be alone I guess? It probably makes me sound like a stupid baby but whatever...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
u r a saint among men
fuck do you want to get some drinks
i do my best
i really do
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it's on me
let's get shitfaced
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where do you wanna meet?
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i'll send you the address we can meet up there
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i'll see you there
[ With the address sent to him, it didn't take long for him to find his way to the bar; he'd even taken the time to change into something a little more somber for the occasion. None of that usual dramatic fashion that he was so proud of, not even his hat made an appearance as he stepped through the bar door with his hands tucked into his pockets.
It felt stupid, being this affected by the departure of another friend; even if he knew the reason for that dull ache in the back of his chest. He thought that he might wave to Abbacchio once he spotted him, instead merely offering a nod in his direction before taking a seat beside him.
Awkward silence, Mista filling it with a question that he wasn't sure he wanted a real answer to. ]
...you're sure he's really gone?
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Abbacchio's already working on a bottle of wine, refilling his glass.]
Yeah. Unfortunately, I'm fucking positive he's gone.
[He waves down the bartender to get a second glass for Mista.]
I checked with the scientists. They verified what I was worried about.
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He didn't really want to talk about it, but he probably needed to. It wasn't as if he'd ever really opened up about it in the first place, the way it had been a sickening punch to the gut and how much his heart had ached even in the midst of it all. ]
...I should have told him.
[ It was meant to be a simple statement, but his voice wavered in a telltale way that said he was doing his fucking best to hold back that sting of tears.
He could cry after he had a drink. Or two. ]
no subject
[Instead, he fucked up. He always fucks up. That's what it is. And it's going to be a slippery spiral of recognizing he's just not a man who's capable of doing the right thing when it really counts.
He goes quiet, having a long drink from his glass.]
He deserved better.
i'm sorry he's got a lot of feelings
He did, he really did.
[ God, what a mess, another deep pull from the drink in his hand before setting the now empty glass down. Pacing himself? Who cared about that right now, it wasn't necessary. ]
You know, I was happy that we were all back together again too and now...
[ There was something of a frustrated snort as he shoved the glass back in Abbacchio's direction. ]
...now I feel like it's all the same shit, not knowing if one of us is just going to, you know.
[ He didn't like it, he didn't like the idea that he might lose Abbacchio again too. Keep it together, Mista, keep it together. ]
I should have tried harder, I should have gotten a job like I was supposed to so that we could've gotten the house we all talked about when we first got here. Maybe if I'd tried harder...this wouldn't be happening again...
[ It didn't matter that Abbacchio hadn't been here when they'd talked about getting a house. He'd been included in there somewhere, the idea that if the others could come back so could he.
He was supposed to help protect them all and he'd failed more than anyone else; that sting in his eyes nagging at him even more. ]
Fuck!
THEY BOTH DO
He finishes his glass, then refills it, because he's going to need a fucking lot of wine tonight.]
First time I heard about this house.
[There's a pause as he considers. Okay, no, he can't spare a moment for himself here. Mista needs him.]
It's not your fault, Mista.
rip my heart
[ He was in the middle of refilling his own glass when those final words hit his ears, his hand trembling slightly before he set the bottle down. No matter what anyone said, he knew better; he'd let him get too close... ]
I think it was my fault, I hesitated...I should have been paying more attention but I was worried about the bullets on the ground. There were f-four of them and I was trying to get Trish to drop another one and then he was just...
[ He could feel his throat tensing as he spoke, his chest tightening as he shakily took up his glass and downed the contents. What he wanted was something stronger, but he would take what he could get. Did he really deserve anything good after everything that had happened? After he'd failed?
He didn't even care that he couldn't hold back the tears any longer, reaching for the bottle again and trying to pour himself yet another drink. He hadn't realised it, that he was carrying this around with him and somehow that made it hurt more. ]
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[There's no hesitation when he's going to take Mista's hand. Maybe they both need a bit of comfort, but mainly he wants to be as strong as he can in this moment for his friend. Sure, he'll crumble later, but that's future Abbacchio's problem.]
It wasn't your fucking fault. It's hard to beat a guy that jumps ahead in time, even by a few seconds, and I know that four thing for you is tough to beat.
You didn't kill him. The Boss did. And you know Narancia wouldn't blame you for even a second. Got it?
no subject
I was supposed to be watching, making sure that no one got close! How the fuck is that not my fault?! It doesn't matter whether he could jump around in time or not, I fucked up. Me!
[ His free hand came up to hit against his own chest with a hollow thump, Mista now a full on emotional mess. He was making a scene and he didn't really care. ]
...and we'll never know if he'd blame me or anyone else because I was too much of a fucking coward to tell him what happened. I understood why when we first got here, but after Bucciarati...
[ He stopped himself there for a moment, sucking in a breath before letting out something of a bitter laugh and squeezing Abbacchio's hand. ]
...I should have thought it was a possibility, I should have told him what he might be going back to.
[ What. A. Fucking. Mess. ]
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[He doesn't sound angry or annoyed when he says it. Despite the harsh words, his voice is a fraction softer than usual, and he doesn't pull his hand away.]
Look, I don't know all of the circumstances obviously. [since he was a little dead at the time] But you know Narancia. He wouldn't blame you.
You didn't kill him or Bucciarati. It fucking sucks, but it isn't your fault.
no subject
Spoilers, Mista, lots of people would understand. That wasn't important, though, not as important as pulling his hand away from the other man and pulling him into a rather tear-soaked embrace. ]
...please don't leave me here by myself, I think you're the only one I have left.
[ There was a heavy pause, no concern about whether this hug was too long or whether it was appropriate. There was something else eating away at the back of his mind. Even as he thought about it he worried his lower lip between his teeth. ]
I don't think Giorno is ever coming out of that crystal, I know it probably doesn't matter to you but it matters to me.
no subject
You're gonna wish you could get rid of me.
[But it's promise. If he has a choice, he's staying for as long as he can. Where the fuck else is he gonna go?]
It matters. [He doesn't explain himself, but it does matter.] I thought about that too, trust me.
I'm gonna be here. All right?
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[ There was absolutely no containing himself after that, arms tightening around him even more as he finally let out a sob that he'd been holding back. ]
And I swear, I'm not gonna...
[ Oh god, how awful. Was he hiccuping? ]
...I'm not gonna go anywhere, I...fuck, what am I supposed to do now?
[ He'd been trying to live something of a normal life here, something that he hadn't really gotten to do back up but it was getting really damn difficult to even pretend that things were fine and that he was getting by. ]
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I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure that shit out for myself.
But we're gonna manage and figure it out. And you got me. Okay?
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If you figure it out first, don't forget to let me know, yeah?
[ He still felt empty on the inside, he thought of the word 'hollow' but that just made him think of Narancia again and what Giorno had said. It was a thought that was pushed to the back of his mind, shifting to rest his forehead on his shoulder as his grip loosened. ]
It's okay if I stay like this for a little, right?
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[He lets Mista get as comfortable as he wants. Honestly, he doesn't care how it looks or whatever; they both need this.]
Yeah. Long as you want.
[Gentle pats to the back. He's got you man.]
Wanna take some drinks home?
oh shit this one got lost
Yeah, lots of 'em...
[ He knew that right now the chroma was boosting his mood, that things would be fine for the moment but what was it going to be like once he got home? Once he was alone again? That wasn't something he needed to think about right now. ]
all good happens to me all the time
...Want me to stay over for a bit? [Because he definitely gets the whole being alone with your shitty thoughts with several bottles of alcohol scenario.] At least til you're sick of me or you pass out or something.
you are an angel
[ He finally pulled back, taking in a deep breath as he prepared himself to look Abbacchio in the face again. He will not cry, he will not be overcome by another wave of emotion. ]
I'll probably pass out before I get sick of you, though, I just don't really wanna be alone I guess? It probably makes me sound like a stupid baby but whatever...
but i can be ur devil..............
C'mon. I'll grab a couple of bottles. I'll stick around until you pass out. I promise.
let me have both please but also do you wanna ftb here?